Hello you.I havent been around recently and I want to talk about why. I hope I’ve worded everything as well as I can do.
Recently I’ve been put on low dose anti depressants. I’ve tried to avoid medication for a long time, throwing myself into meditation, yoga, herbal supplements in an attempt to get better.
However a few months ago things had become far far too much. I don’t have anxiety symptoms that may come to mind when you think of the issue. I don’t have panic attacks, I’m not really bothered by busy places etc. I’m a worrier but I’m an extreme worrier.
The prompt for going to see my GP was when I realised I had spent 2 months spending every spare moment and thought I had worrying about having a heart attack and sepsis. Prior to that I was OBSESSED with the worry that E would swallow a watch battery. We don’t even have them in our house.
Along with my extreme thoughts I also struggled to get out the house & go to bed without doing my ‘checks’ several times. There’s a lot of other stuff that was happening too.
It was becoming completely and utterly exhausting to be me. I had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Both my mum and husband had gently tried to tell me I needed some help (for a long time actually) but the more they insisted the more I rebelled and decided I didn’t need help. I was wrong.
When I saw the GP and tried to talk my words wouldn’t come out but tears did. Slowly I managed to explain and we both actually agreed what was happening to me was probably Post Natal depression/anxiety which I had managed to hide and ignore for 2 & 1/2 years.
My medication has kicked in now and I can’t tell you how much better I feel. The thoughts haven’t gone away totally but I’m able to rationalise them and not let them consume me. I feel lighter. My husband noticed I’ve been singing more and I’ve noticed my jaw isn’t tensed all the time anymore. I can’t believe how one tiny, low dose pill has changed everything and I’m so cross I didn’t force myself to go seek help sooner.
This isn’t the first time I’ve been on anti depressants, about 10 years ago I took them for a while but back then I was ‘depressed’. And by that I mean, I was miserable, tired, tearful and nothing made me happy. I think I was probably so reluctant to go see a GP this time bevause I didn’t think they could help me. After all I wasn’t ‘depressed’ like I had been last time. I know now I was wrong.
Things seem so much easier now and brighter. I’m able to relax and enjoy the moment so much more.
I’m hoping now that I can carry on blogging because I really do enjoy it and I love to put everything down for me to look back on. I didn’t have the enthusiasm a month ago as I was too busy constantly worrying about suddenly dying.
I’ll leave it there and hopefully this week I’ll be able to get up a few Christmas posts I had pending!